I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.