I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*puts my mental health in rice
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My first child will be named New Folder.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
(Jupiter –
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER: