I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”