“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Harsh but fair
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Bond. Trauma bond.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN