@vineyille

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

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@1Bad_Scientist

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@HatfieldAnne

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.

@CanadianCyn

If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t