Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.
My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t