I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast