I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Woke up against my better judgement again
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
They’re the worst 😩
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.