I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism