I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy