I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

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Idgaf about nothin y’all better help me get this s550 😂 naw but I’m serious RT!


Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled


Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.


Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like


Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee


911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*


Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.


My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.