Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Hank is one in a melon.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*