I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
🤣😂🤣
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
why am I working on Labor Day
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*