@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

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@TheCatWhisprer

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

@7_Cents

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]

@Bob_Heller

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

@TheAlexP

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ?

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog