My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]
*scrawls on napkin*
*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
? Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog