I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

You Might Also Like


[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired


Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off


*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*


Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.


DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*


*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*


[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota