@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

You Might Also Like

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

@GorillaNipples1

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

@Marlebean

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota