[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota