[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
So true for me
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room