I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee itðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
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Encore…
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.