@drinksmcgee

I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.

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@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@Chel__CLE

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@marinhubka

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@better_off_dad2

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.