Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
wow
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck