@drinksmcgee

I saw someone use “Terrierist” instead of “Terrorist” and I don’t know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not.

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@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@truegritrumble

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

@smerobin

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

@TheBoydP

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@ArfMeasures

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!