family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You Might Also Like
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many