I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Great game to play with friends
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.