Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
You Might Also Like
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me buying fruit and veg
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?