The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
u guys got any snacks onboard here