The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”
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2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*yeah, screw this*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.