@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

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@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@WritePlay

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

@MaraWilson

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

@NJFreudian

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

@duplicitron

I heard that processed meats are just as bad for you as cigarettes so I’m walking around smoking a hot dog looking cool as hell.

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@theshantilly

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.