yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.