Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
The doctor says I’m depressed because I don’t have enough iron in my diet so I’ve started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced