I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Have a lovely day 😊
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.