I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Passwords are more important than ever.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.