I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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tinder is all about the long game
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.