I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.