I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back