Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

My purse is deeper than some people.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first