I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Great Canadian literature.