I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I know
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him