Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.