[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
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Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Phones down.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?