I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.