i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.