me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-
Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Do you remember that time we-“
Let me stop you right there, no.
ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying