@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

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@ellewasamistake

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

@sageboggs

ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL

@fuzzlime

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

@bigmacher

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

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@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

@WhosTheresa

I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

@Havish_AF

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”