@wickedsuga

I say tomato.
You say tomahto.
Then I whip out my Webster’s dictionary and show you how you pronounced it wrong.

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@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@SteveKoehler22

If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-

Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”

@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@HansGrubertron

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying