I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
fourth time’s the charm
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground