@PercySleeves

I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.

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@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@Sickayduh

Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?

BIRCH I MIGHT BE

@iGreenMonk

I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@TysonMarie

If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries

@funflaps

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@krisv_723

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*