I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.
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Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?
BIRCH I MIGHT BE
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…
All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*