I scaled Everest! And I give nicknames to fish.

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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.


Hey, are you a broadleaved deciduous hardwood tree?



I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…

All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to


Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.


Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*