I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
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me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
OKAY DAD
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo