*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m sure it’s fine.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.