Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Plant care tips
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to