@AndyAsAdjective

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

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@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@Ristolable

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

@acakes421

My note that my mom found…
She hung it on the fridge for at least six months after I wrote it at 8-9yrs old.

@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@CantWaitToNap

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.