Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.