I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside


One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”


Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.


we both reached for the popcorn and our hands met, this was the moment i knew.. we should get our own bags next time.


Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.


I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.


It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…


What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it


I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.


I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.