I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

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therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma


Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.


GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?


[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?


Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.


Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.


Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.