THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!