Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
What are you eating?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.