@MrsMikePatton
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@sensual_dad therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
@LuvPug Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
@originaljrod My stupid belt shrunk again today.
@Chumpstring GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
@david8hughes [fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
@SardonicTart Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
@BreadFoster Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.
@walks_on_legs Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.