@thepunningman My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
@MrsMikePatton I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
- @MrsMikePatton
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@thepunningman 
@JRevard If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
@Poutymcgee *chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table
Can I hold your baby?
@PanicRestroom What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
@ag_loco How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes
@Home_Halfway GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun
ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this
@Spaced_Cowboy00 Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
@Matt_The_1st Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
@KeetPotato [1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
@TheBigBatman The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.