@MrsMikePatton

I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

You Might Also Like

@TheNYAMProject

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

@WheelTod

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

@TheBoydP

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

@MorphineDreamzz

we both reached for the popcorn and our hands met, this was the moment i knew.. we should get our own bags next time.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

@pintofdraft

I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.

@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

@Fred_Delicious

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

@Darlainky

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.