@MrsMikePatton
@Danisrivera
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
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@Danisrivera
@kDuncanG
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
@jordan_stratton
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
@Social_Mime
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
@__candypants
I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.
@RoosterMustache
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
…
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
…
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
@Marlebean
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
@AndyAsAdjective
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
@_Tempo11
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
@sfreeze6
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.