@MrsMikePatton

I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

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@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@LuvPug

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

@david8hughes

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@BreadFoster

Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it’s free from the sky.

@walks_on_legs

Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.