@TheNYAMProject
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
@WheelTod
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
@TheBoydP
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
@MorphineDreamzz
we both reached for the popcorn and our hands met, this was the moment i knew.. we should get our own bags next time.
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
@pintofdraft
I’m quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven’t lost a pound and I’m getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.
@TheBoydP
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
@Fred_Delicious
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
@Darlainky
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
@M3lissaMcDonald
I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.
Complete waist of time.
@MrsMikePatton