@MrsMikePatton

I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

- @MrsMikePatton

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@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@Poutymcgee

*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table

Can I hold your baby?

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@ag_loco

How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@Matt_The_1st

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second