I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You Might Also Like
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate