I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?