I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.