Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I might be OCD, but I’m not falling for that check engine bullshit. It’s there.
I just saw an ad for a bulletproof briefcase. The real question is: why does your briefcase have so many enemies?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I got soap in my shower beer again.