I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Accurate
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.