I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
You Might Also Like
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.