@MillieMars

I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.

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@NikiWithIssues

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

@Parkerlawyer

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

@RiotGrlErin

i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@edawg_eric

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

@acechhh

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.