@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

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@nayele18

Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”

@BFNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.

@Mirimade

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

@brocketxyz

My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, “I WANT MOMMY,” whenever my wife sends me into his room.

@batkaren

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@StarWarsProblms

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

@Thrill_Tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

@LlamaInaTux

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info