@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

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@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

@DrakeGatsby

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

@Beagz

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@anerdonfire2

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

@bingowings14

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

@McNarstle

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

@ObsKenobs

Vader: *waiting in Death Star hallway*

Vader: *tries a cool lean against the wall*

Vader: *fiddles with the lighting*

Vader: *tries a different cool lean*

Vader: *stretches*

Vader: *some real good kicks*

Obi-Wan: *enters hallway*

Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.

@AlexTHoffman

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

@InsouciantMan

Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.