I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
They’re on their honeymoon
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward