I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

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i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom


Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones


Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.


“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin


Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.


Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give


A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.


You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.


[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b