I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
lol
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
britain’s three elite institutions
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Perfect
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills