@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

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@fro_vo

i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom

@yonewt

Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones

@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@PhuckinCody

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

@Contwixt

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@JurassicPark2go

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@aveuaskew

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

@panmidwest

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b