I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’ve had relationships like this
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I need a headline like this