I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
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If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?
australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000
I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.
Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.