@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

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@theroyaltramp

I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.

@ingmarbirdman

If you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well, there’s the door.

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@FunkyFresh_79

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

@iAmDelFreaky

I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.

@DiamondLou69

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.