@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

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@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@CynicalLongkat

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@BuckyIsotope

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

@jwoodham

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@justaride

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot